Counting Up

4,179

or to be more precise

11 years 5 months 8 days

That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen my mama. She left this life on April 13, 2007 and yes, I miss her every, single day.

But.

If you are thinking I’ve sat here in my sadness and calculated these figures, please be assured that my brain does not work that way. I googled

& if you are thinking I am lost in my grief and finding it hard to function, please realize I have had many, MANY moments, regrets and tears but, no, I am not lost. Not anymore.

I wish I could tell you exactly when or how but, I honestly do not know. Just somewhere, SOME. WHERE down this road, it happened.

What used to be a day, a month, a year of life WITHOUT that little lady has beautifully and wonderfully become one day CLOSER

& today ??  Today, I can happily say that I am 4,179 days nearer.

Count up.

I’ve bumped into this phrase a few times now and I love it !! because it absolutely confirms my feelings about Mom, about my spiritually, about my own mortality.

In his book, Endurance, Scott Kelly describes how he was advised by a fellow astronaut to count the days he’s been in the International Space Station versus how many days remaining and so, he counted up and his perspective was forever changed.

In her memoir, Without A Word, Jill Kelly describes how, after her son Hunter died at a much too early age, her transformation into understanding began.

“But I’m also 1,496 days closer to seeing his beautiful face again … Every passing day is one day closer to that glorious reunion. One day closer to Heaven.”

& THAT, my friends, says it all.

Grief is not easy and there are times, still, that I am brought to my knees because I need her laughter, her guidance, her presence sooooo, SO much. But I pick myself up and I carry on knowing that’s what she would want me to do and I trust. Oh, how I trust.

Yep. It’s been 4,179 days and I am counting, Mom.

Counting up.

🙂