Better
Thirteen years.
Some days, it seems like yesterday, others, it feels like thirteen million.
The phone rang on April 13, 2007 at 12:20 a.m.
& my life was instantly changed.
It was Dad.
The EMTs were there, they were taking Mom, meet them in Emergency.
I remember driving to the hospital, talking out loud to me, to her.
Don’t you leave me. Don’t you leave me!! I know you’re going to leave. Don’t you leave me.
But in a way, I already knew
& when I arrived at the hospital before the ambulance and they guided me into one of those side rooms
Yeah.
I knew.
Seeing her there, holding her still warm hand, making the first of many phone calls.
It was all so surreal, so foreign.
This can’t be happening.
This can’t be happening.
This CANNOT be happening.
Slowly, we moved through the funeral and beyond.
How ?
I’m still not sure.
We were walking in a trance, going through the motions.
Dad and I would find ourselves at the cemetery every other day.
We would take our lawn chairs and sit with her.
Sometimes my father and I would talk, mostly, we would stare into space, lost in that trance.
We took a few Grief Classes and that helped.
Sharing with others who knew the pain eased it a bit.
But honestly, I thought the tears would never end, those bring me to my knees moments seemed infinite.
People, friends would comfort with words of it will get better, it DOES get better.
But how ???
When ???
WHERE do we find better ????
Through all of this though, I knew she was fine.
In my heart, in my soul, in every voice I heard, every sign I noticed, every dream.
I knew she was fine.
She was happy.
She was healthy.
She was free
& yep
She was very, very fine
& that’s how, little by little, it did get better.
Because I knew, I KNOW she is fine.
I broke when she died, convinced I’d never heal.
How could I possibly carry on without this woman ?
My mama, my best friend.
But, I did.
I began to write.
I began to walk.
& somewhere in my words, my music, my trees and my clouds, it happened.
I’m stronger today because of her.
I’m following dreams today because of her.
I’m finding my answers today because of her
& although I miss her more than I can say, I know she is right here with me every step of the way.
She never left.
Yes.
It does get better.
It did get better.
♥