until yesterday
It was about a week after Mom died, with the busyness of her funeral over and the shock of her sudden departure settling in, when I called Dad to ask if I could come sit with him for a while.
He said yes, as I informed, it would take me a few, I wanted and so NEEDED to walk.
He understood, of course, so with an I can’t breathe, I need to BREATHE mantra screaming through my soul, I began …
I cried the entire 3 miles from here to there, at times, sobbing uncontrollably, my whole self shaking with the reality, the loss of my best friend.
When I got to Dad’s, he quietly acknowledged the pain, and hunkered with me, until the storm passed.
Emotions, so intense, so strong, had never overwhelmed me, never completely enveloped me like that before. It was a memorable moment and something I had tucked away and have not thought about since.
until yesterday.
Yesterday, I woke up with the same feeling as that day in 2007.
& with an empathetic nod from Husband, I grabbed my music, my water, my key, with that long ago echo of an exclamation rolling through my brain … I CAN’T BREATHE, I NEED TO WALK
to digest,
to review,
to try to make some sort of sense out of the decision made by the people of this country I love.
It was not THAT he won, after 40+ years of having the privilege to vote, I’ve bumped into disappointment before,
no
it was HOW he won.
& I guess one could call it brilliant, this tapping into our fear, our doubt, our mistrust, our greed, but I find it incredibly sad
and as I entered my park, where just a few days ago I penned
the tears took over my vibe and cried, those many steps, I did.
I wept for America, as I wept for my mama, sob after heart-wrenching sob, aching for this friend I hold so dear, mourning her, my trust in fellow citizens of these united states, shattered.
What about HOPE and DREAMS and BELIEVING WE CAN and LOVE THY NEIGHBOR andandandand my mind raced with a thousand scenarios as to WHY ??!!???
And then,
slow and determinedly sure,
doubt slithered in …
maybe it’s me ??
maybe I’m wrong ??
What do all these millions see that I absolutely cannot ??
Eerily empty,
alone on that trail, those beautiful trees comforted, like never before, they allowed my sorrow it’s space, they gifted their subtle reminders.
I have no idea where we will go from here, America, I hope I am proven a million ways wrong and we thrive under 47’s time as president,
all I know, right now, is me, and the answers I found within that park
and I’ll be damned if I let doubt in, ever or again
EVER or AGAIN.
So with my sincere vow, as we enter a future of unknowns, I promise, HOPE, DREAMS, BELIEVING WE CAN and LOVE THY NEIGHBOR,
if not found anywhere out there, my friends,
you’ll always, ALWAYS find it here.
🙂