Bitter. Sweet.
So. I’m up and moving and feeling more like myself after a few days of not ( ? ♥ ?? )
YaY
But between the dozing, the honkin’ my nose for the umpteenth time, the coughing and slow-mo moves, I’ve been thinking about my mama. A LOT. And I know I ride these emotions this time, every year, and I realize my guard is super down ’cause of all the mushy-mushy Christmas shows I’ve had on my tv, but DANG I miss her. I mean, really. Really.
So. Instead of trying to conjure up shiny, new words to lift up and make better, I offer one from the archives, with big hugs, much love and the warm, wonderful comfort of hope.
♥
or an emotional feeling that is a mixture of both happy and sad.
Thank you, Dictionary.com, I could not have said it any better.
Bitter. Sweet.
!! Busy !! and !! happy !! and !! festive!! and gotta do !! and must get !! and !! FUN !! and
& …
She’s here. I can feel her HERE, especially when I’m baking and preparing those dishes and treats she loved so dearly.
Oh, Mom.
I need you to come back, ok ??
Please, PLEASE come back.
You do Christmas better !! with your shopping finesse, your gift wrapping skill, your joy of the season
and I don’t want to do this without you anymore.
I miss you so, soooooo much
& the thing is, I KNOW she’s fine and I’m so very thankful knowing that I know she’s fine … but …
but …
You know, on the day she left this life and many days after, I was pretty upset with this person I call Mother. I couldn’t understand the why’s and how’s of it all. WHY did you ? HOW could you ? Looking back, this was rather selfish on my part, but when one is caught in the awful abyss of grief, it’s impossible to think, let alone clearly.
As the months and years without her physically here moved along though, I’d replay a dreamlike vision. Over and over I’d see my mama with her mama with Jesus. The three of them, best buds, hanging out, talking, laughing, contentedly BEING
& I thought, WoW.
From that day forward ?? oooooooh, I’ve had my moments. Moments like today where I get it, I don’t. I accept, but ! no ! ! ! Tender. heart-wrenching, I’d give ANYTHING to have her with me right now … Mom.
!! MOM !!
& then, I quietly giggle and think, when the day arrives and I actually DO see my mama with her mama with Jesus ??!!??
Bitter. Sweet.
Yes, Dictionary.com, I could not have said it any better.
♥