The Day Before

I would call her every morning at 9:40
& that day was no different but, since our conversation was cut short, I often wonder why.
Why didn’t we talk later ?
Was my busyness so darn busy that I couldn’t squeeze in another ten minutes of yappin with my mama ?
What was going on for her ?
For me ?
& why not a call back ?

“Gotta go ! I have a cramp !”
I giggle about it now but, those were the very last words Mom said to me.
She ran off to relieve that cramp and my day took control.

Pardon me, while I muddle through my thoughts.
Today is the day before her anniversary
& this today is always the worse for me.
It’s my ‘wish I could turn back time, do things differently’ day.
So yeah.
The big rehash has begun.
I’ll glance at the clock multiple times within these 24 hours and think … ‘eleven years ago she, eleven years ago I’
ugh

UGH

You and I have come a long way, Mom.
You there.
Me here.

& it’s been a twisty, twirly road, it has.
From the most awful place ever
to
I’m ok
to
no, I’m not
to
I’m sitting on square one again and again and again
to
I know you’re fine
to
PLEASE come back
to
I’ve got this
to
curled up in a ball
to
dang, D A N G
I miss you.

Bottom line.
I just miss you.

But, Life.
Oh, Life.
You always offer that lesson
and the lesson I’ve grudgingly acquired from my mother leaving this world ?

Trust.

I trust now more than ever
& I hope
& I know.

I know that it, THIS is alright
& what seemed to be an incredibly impossible journey
what I didn’t ask for and absolutely did not want
what was once fought and feared and no no nooooooo, PLEASE NO
somehow, somewhere became a comforting ally,
a friend
& one that I very much am willing to accept

& so today, on this eleven year day before,
I will reminisce
oooooh, yes ! I will reminisce
& I will seek and most certainly find her signs
& I’ll smile
and laugh
and feel every single one of those wonderful feels
& I’ll miss.
dang, I sure do miss

But now,
now, I trust.

Oh !
How I trust.

🙂